Submission IV: A Love that Circled Back [BL]

Chapter 12 – “he was different to Han Zhang’s other ‘bros’”
Qin Mu was born into a very ordinary family.
His father, Qin Aihua, had a 9-to-5 job at a cable manufacturing company. Apart from being able to do a few mechanical repairs, he had no other talents. Outside, he was timid and servile; at home, he barely spoke a word. Like many men around him, he rarely took the initiative with responsibilities around the home. If his wife, Zheng Yan, yelled at him to do something, then he would do something. The rest of the time, if he wasn’t sitting on the sofa watching TV, then he was lying on the sofa watching TV. Qin Mu’s mother, Zheng Yan, was the second child in her family and was driven by a need to prove herself to the world. When she was younger, she rejected the men who approached her -they were either not good enough or rubbed her the wrong way - and she let the years pass by. When she finally hit 30, she reluctantly settled for the thoroughly mute Qin Aihua, who wouldn’t even let out a fart if hit with a stick.
There was not a bone in her body that didn’t despise this absolutely mediocre, ambitionless man, yet she gave in to the relentless pressure around her and had a child fairly soon. And then, the mother-in-law who had been on her back about having a child suddenly changed tune when it came time to help take care of the child. Zheng Yan’s own mother was busy with her grandson* and couldn’t spare any additional energy. Without the help of those more experienced than her, Zheng Yan grew increasingly anxious, and then her husband, Qin Aihua, decided this was the perfect moment to take a step back. The cute charm of a newborn child was quickly worn away by the crying and the hassle. After enduring it for two nights, he grabbed his blanket and started sleeping on the sofa in the living room, saying that he couldn’t sleep and he needed to go to work. He grew impatient with Zheng Yan’s ceaseless nagging and said, “It’s a woman’s job to take care of children. It’s the way things should be. You have maternity leave, you don’t need to go to work, you stay at home all day, how do you still find a million things to complain about?” Tired, weak and entirely alone, Zheng Yan sat awake with her child in her arms for an entire night. And then, finally lost all hope in this utterly unreliable man.
The helplessness of a new mother, a husband who refused to help, a difficult-to-handle child and the fluctuating hormones within her body, all formed within her an enormous wave of pressure that nearly pushed her over the brink of collapse. There were several times, when little Qin Mu refused to stop crying, she even had the impulse to strangle him. She had no choice but to keep brainwashing herself with the thought “what woman hasn’t had to get through this?”, forced herself to endure the post-partum period, and then finally made it to the next phase of her motherhood.
Amid the endless disappointment and weariness she had toward life, Qin Mu became the entirety of all her hope. Unwilling to admit her life had been a failure, she staked everything upon her son, and like a vine, wrapped herself around him, gripping tighter the older Qin Mu grew. She personally managed every aspect of his life, his meals, his clothes, his transportation, paying for him to attend an array of extracurricular activities. She kept a constant, watchful eye on him, not allowing him to do anything that was “wasting time”, which included socialising with children of his own age. But this was not enough. She relentlessly belittled his father in front of him, and then used her own suffering to tame him and bend him to her will –
“Do you know why I put up with that loser father of yours? Take all his crap? I do it for you.”
“Do you think I’d be making myself watch over every cent I spend if it weren’t for your sake?”
“I’ve given you everything I have. I don’t need you to repay me anything. All I want from you is that you study hard. Please don’t disappoint me.”
“The only way to get ahead in life is to study hard. Do you know why we’re poor? Because your father doesn’t want to be better, he didn’t study hard. You must not be like him.”
Zheng Yan laid one heavy shackle after another on the body of her son and watched with satisfaction as he grew exactly the way she desired. She was elated by Qin Mu’s outstanding grades, feeling that everything she had done had not gone to waste. This was her flesh and blood. He had crawled out of her womb. Their lives began as a single body, and they were meant to belong together. His success was bound to be her success. And someday, she would stand next to her son and force all those who once looked down upon her to raise their heads and look up at her instead.
What Zheng Yan didn’t know was that the great ship, upon which she had laid all the hopes and fervent dreams of her life, was heading toward a massive iceberg that hid beneath the surface.
Children who grow up in such families inevitably mature early, or rather, too soon. And Qin Mu was no exception. He got used to his mother’s sudden fits of anger that came from nowhere, got used to his father turning his back at the first hint of trouble. From a very early age, he learned how to read their faces and their moods, and knew what he shouldn’t ask for, which words he shouldn’t say. He learned how to carefully measure his tone and tread around his meaning whenever he opened his mouth. He developed also a kind of “tranquillity” where he was oblivious to all but his studies. It was called “tranquillity”, but it was, of course, just a child’s way of escaping a dysfunctional family life.

And so young Qin Mu secluded himself in his room and poured all his focus into his books. So long as he was absorbed enough, then all the outside world ceased to exist. He was sensitive, withdrawn, and a little insecure. Like a tree that grew in the dark, the branches and leaves that were stunted in growth bore only clumps and clusters of gloom.
Such a tree longed intinctively for the light, and so Qin Mu could not stop himself from looking at Han Zhang.
Han Zhang came from a wealthy family. He was charismatic, handsome and popular. At first, Qin Mu only looked on enviously from afar. By chance, when the seating arrangement changed, they ended up sitting one behind the other. Here and there, Han Zhang would ask to borrow his notes, and like so, they got to know each other. Classmate Han was highly sociable and generous with friends. Whenever he borrowed Qin Mu’s notes, he would treat him to a soft drink, or invite him to eat together in the cafeteria, or even give him a lift home on his electric scooter. Pulled along by Han Zhang, Qin Mu made a few friends, slowly fitting in with a small group of people, and even became more outgoing. Han Zhang was the bridge that guided Qin Mu toward ordinary society. Through him, Qin Mu touched the threshold between himself and the world.
Under his mother’s strict control, Qin Mu had zero normal social relationships. When Han Zhang began to unknowingly occupy the only and important seat in his heart, he had thought this was the thing that books spoke of, that invaluable thing called friendship.
But he soon realised that he was different to Han Zhang’s other “bros”.
When Han Zhang started chasing a girl, the others eagerly strategised with him, but Qin Mu only felt uneasy in his heart. When Han Zhang went on a date, the others whistled and cheered, but he quietly suppressed rising pangs of bitterness. When Han Zhang announced they had become girlfriend and boyfriend, everyone celebrated, but he trailed behind in silent dejection. Han Zhang’s love life became Qin Mu’s calamity. He fell out of the top five of his class for the first time in an exam. 
Qin Mu felt that he was spiralling out of control. He went to the library and borrowed several psychology books, hoping he’d understand himself. After much reading, he managed to convince himself of the conclusion that his behaviour stemmed from a projection of his psychological deficiencies. But the sudden arrival of an erotic dream shattered this fragile façade. His mind conjured up a scene of intimate relations between him and Han Zhang. It was a wet dream.
In a panic, he threw his underwear into the bin. He stared for a long time at his English textbook, but not a single word registered. The word that he had intentionally avoided in the psychology books kept flashing before his eyes.
– Homosexual. A person who experiences romantic and sexual attraction exclusively toward members of the same sex.
These were still the early days of the internet, and books on such topics were few and far between. The public held old-fashioned and narrow-minded opinions. They believed that homosexuals were “twisted” psychologically because they had not “touched a member of the opposite sex”. It was a sickness. Although Qin Mu had gained some knowledge, he wasn’t about to accept such knowledge about himself with an open heart. There was no one at home who could help him, no one he could confide in, no one with whom he could share his unease, his anxiety, and his fear. He could only deal with it himself. And so, seventeen-year-old Qin Mu made a decision that, in hindsight, seemed laughable – he found himself a girlfriend.
He was desperate to prove to himself that he was not “homosexual”.
Qin Mu was not unpopular with the girls. He had good grades, was good-looking, and was polite. Aside from being a bit quiet, he had no notable shortcomings. A fair few girls had sent him love letters. He chose a letter that was written in neat and pretty handwriting, and replied with an invitation to walk home from school together.
The girl was from the class next door. She was called Li Xiaomo. She had liked Qin Mu for a long time, and when she received his reply, she was thrilled. Very soon, they became a couple. However, when they were together, Li Xiaomo noticed her boyfriend was a little odd. He was willing to spend time with her, but his mind was always elsewhere; he was willing to listen to her, but never shared anything himself; he did his best to meet her needs, but never asked anything of her; he would occasionally draw near to her, but then always found an excuse to avoid her affection… She thought that this was all because this was Qin Mu’s first relationship, that he was shy. So on an evening after class, she plucked up her courage and kissed him. And then she saw his face; there was no sign of joy, only startled bewilderment. Li Xiaomo suddenly realised that he did not love her. But she didn’t know where things went wrong. She tried to find the reason, eliminating one possibility after another, sinking into confusion.
The answer to this puzzle was soon revealed. That day, they were both studying in the library. Qin Mu went off to find a book. Some other students were playing around and accidentally knocked over the chair that Qin Mu had put his bag on. The books tumbled out onto the floor. Whilst gathering the books up for Qin Mu, Li Xiaomo, without meaning to, caught sight of her own name in a grey book, crammed with writing. 
Out of curiosity, she opened it.
It was Qin Mu’s diary, filled with the words of all his suppressed feelings. To prevent his mum from looking, he couldn’t use a conspicuous lockable diary, so he had disguised it as a school journal, hid it in his school bag, and took it with him wherever he went.
Upon discovering the truth, Li Xiaomo was utterly dumbfounded and, burning with the anger of being deceived, she lost her reason. With intense hatred, she ripped out the pages of the diary that recorded Qin Mu’s twisted and complicated feelings towards Han Zhang. Without waiting for him, she stormed by herself across the throng of people in the classroom, threw the pages into the hands of a stunned Han Zhang and shouted, “Have a look yourself, look how much your ‘good friend’ loves you! Did you know? Qin Mu is gay. He’s so in love with you, he’s almost gone mad!”
The noisy classroom fell instantly silent. Everyone stared at those few thin sheets of paper. Han Zhang took a quick glance, then in an instant crushed them into a ball within his tightly gripped fists, and snapped, “Are you fucking crazy? Fuck off to your own class!”
Her eyes red, Li Xiaomo gritted her teeth and said, “You knew all along, didn’t you? With a face like that, I bet you’re gay too! You disgusting fuckers. Using your girlfriends as a front and doing filthy shit behind our backs!”
With a dark look across his face, he stood up, “Keep talking shit, and I’ll beat you up.”
“Go on then, hit me! I dare you! Bring your fuckbuddy Qin /N_o_v_e_l_i_g_h_t/ Mu along too!”  She shouted, venting her anger.
Han Zhang shoved her. Li Xiaomo fell back and hit her waist on the corner of a desk. She sat on the floor and began to scream and cry. The boys from the next class heard that she had been hit and rushed over. The two classes began brawling, the scene an utter mess, and it drew the attention of the dean.
In the end, the dean called in Zheng Yan.
That early evening, Qin Mu trailed behind his mother as they walked home. The thin frame of her back trembling all the way as if it were about to dissolve into the fading light of dusk itself.
“Mum.” He called.
She didn’t reply. When they reached the front door of their home, she gripped the key in her hands, but fumbled over and over, and couldn’t get the key into the old security lock.
“Let me do it.” Qin Mu reached over. But she threw her hand aside, like she didn’t want to be touched by him. The chain of keys smacked against his forehead. He started to bleed.
“Why did I give birth to a monster like you?” Zheng Yan gritted her teeth, tears swelling in her eyes, “What did I do so wrong that Heaven seeks to punish me? I have nothing… I have nothing left already…” Her heart, which had been filled with expectation, smashed violently into the iceberg, collapsing into a heap of ruin beyond repair. And that iceberg was the very flesh and blood that had been the source of all her pride. She collapsed onto the ground before the door and started crying in despair.
Qin Mu stood there, unmoving. The blood upon his forehead flowed slowly down his face, across the corner of his eye, like a streak of red tears.
 
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Translator’s Note:
1. In Chinese culture, there is a strong distinction between the maternal and paternal line of a family which is explicitly reflected in the terminology. Unlike English, the Chinese word for grandson here clearly indicates that this is the child of a son, thus more important than the child of a daughter. This patriarchal bias, even as things modernise and change, is unfortunately still widespread in modern China.